I might be losing the place i live at the end of the month depending on somethings.
Its my grandmother's place but my Aunt has manipulated her way into controlling all of my grandmother's estate even though Grandma is still alive.
My aunt wants to sell the place before my grandmother dies so none of the money from it gets split up like how the will says and my Aunt will con some way of keeping it all for herself.
I got one friend who wants me to move up to nor-cal with him and work at the taco bell he works at, and another who's offered to take me in, who now lives on the other side of the country and could set me up with a better job. Both of these take me away from my brother who is the only family i have now. I've also been using weed to help manage my anxiety and depression, which is legal here. I don't know if it's legal in the state my friend who could give me the better job lives in. I've talked to friends out here about it and for a while there was one friend still in my same area who was willing to take me in before, but the job they were going for didn't pan out and it also involved their parent moving out and i don't think that's happening any time soon.
So I hope that by staying here and trying to fight for my right to live here doesn't screw me over. Right now i've got cal-fresh and medi-cal and i'm living off of gifted food when that runs out and my cat is also living off of gifted food, cant find a job out here. I've got rheumatoid arthritis and i got to take pills every day to manage it. If/when I move its going to screw up my cal-fresh and medi-cal and i'll have to jump though hoops just to see if i can even keep any of it depending.
Everything keeps getting worse.
I'm so lonely
Sometimes I think back on things that happened in college, before that crapped out, and i realize that woman was flirting with me, hell even invited me over to her house and i was totally obvious.
I wasn't open to the idea of a relationship then, it was too recently after Misty left me for a couple she met on World of Warcraft to go have 3-ways and experimental sex with.
Now I wish i had let my self open up more to people then, maybe i wouldn't be so alone now.
I have a handful of friends i see once every 1-4 months when we game and one friend who comes over only to escape his mom play video games and when I only expect him for a day or two he stays over a week and asks to come over again in a few days and sometimes he gets on my nerves. All my food and weed runs out faster when he's around it seems even though he usually has his own food.
What i'm lonely for is a deep emotional and physical connection with someone. I want to feel better.
I want to feel like i'm worth something.
Im rambling.
i'm scared.
I just hope that when I does all change, i'm wise enough to chose what will lead me to the better future.